SHE KEEPS HER SMILE ON HER FACE

" Y ella se mantiene en vuelo, y observa al mundo como en africa los niños estan delante de la agonia, venciendo la triste y terribe trampa que pone la muerte al deajrlos sin comida.

No pretendo escribir una critica, siendo yo mismo la fuente de muchas injusticias, pero mi obetivo es que te vuelvas amigo y compañero de ella, Ella quien mantiene su sonrisa.

La mantiene por aquellos q su corazon no respira ilusiones, que no buscan excusas para continuar, ella compañero es quien te de la luz, esa luz que refleja el sol y se cola por tu ventana y que no descansa hasta llegar a tu alma.

Ella victima de el humano, quien se ha robado su inocencia pero nunca su sonrisa, mantiene viva mi esperanza.

Y yo amo esa sonrisa, artifice de mil noches de armonia,otras miles de poesia y una infinidad de inspiracion de mi fantasia, ella a la q anhelo abrasar y besar algun dia y poder pintar con el color de mis lagrimas su melodia, y de exterminar con mis versos sus temores q mas q miedos son realidades que todos viven dia a dia. "

A.R.S.

WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK

I thought my last days in Portugal are going to be smooth and relaxing. I planned to end the 2 months spent here in a quiet environment, far from the parties, new faces, loud noises and strange people I've grown so accustom to lately. Haha of course it didnt happen that way.. things never happen the way I want them to.

I got to see him after a year.. it was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced. He changed so much, but regardless of our past, I couldn't stop but smiling when I saw his face again. I didn't plan on talking to him, I just stared for a second, while all my memories of him -good and bad- rewined in my mind. He approached and wrapped his arms around me, holding me even tighter than when we were together. For some reason I still couldn't say a single damn word so I just smiled again. He didn't ask me what I was doing there, or for how long i'd been around, he just asked ' how are you?'

[ .. i find no words to explain what happened next...]


Like always, I got up from his bed early in the morning.. but like never before, he noticed I was missing and got up as well. I made his coffee and my orange juice, like I always did. But like never before he lit a cigarette. I'd never seen him smoking in the past, but I remembered him telling me he used to. So I asked him if he started again. He said the time we spent apart did him harm.
We got back to bed and watched Spongebob. It was 8 am.

[...]

He just sat there, smoking his 23rd cigarette that day - i counted-. I asked him what was wrong. He looked the other way and said ' you're leaving... and I wish I could still have the time to take you to all those awesome places and give you the time of your life.. just so I can be sure you'll never forget me'. I smiled and kissed him. When we were still together, about 2 years ago, he mentioned visiting a local poet's house, later on turned into a museum, and reading all his poems dedicated to his wife. I remember him saying how all those poems reminded him of me. So I told him that's where I wanted to go. That's where he should take me.. there. to read those poems. His face lightened up. He kissed me and we rushed towards his car.

On our way there, I couldn't get my hands off him. It was something about him driving.. he was so peaceful and.. complete. He looked at me and smiled, while I kissed him all over. He had that look on his face.. that look he had on his face ever since we re-found each other. That look in his eyes as if he wanted to say ' I love you' but something inside of him told him not to. And when he fought it, I could see he was misserable.

All of a sudden he pulls over. ' Here's the thing. We'll never be together. You have your life and I have mine. And when you leave tomorrow, I'll only be left to suffer like when we first broke up. You can't just come back in my life and expect things to be okay. To you it's a game, you love to put me through this, but then you disappear and leave me broken. I won't have it anymore'

' Okay, then let's just go back home.'

And no other words were said till we got back to his apartment. He went to take a shower. I picked up my things and left a note on his kitchen table. It wrote a simple ' Goodbye' .


I spent my last moments in Portugal crawled up in my bed, thinking of sinister ways of putting an end to the pain i was feeling. I eventually fell asleep, around 3am and got up at 7 as always, awaken by the sound of our favourite song.

I left to the airport very early. I just felt I needed to get out of that country as soon as possible.
Will I go back to Portugal again? NEVER.

No te reconozco

Motto:  hola ..no te escondas...



        I've tried to forget it but I can't. It's a weird feeling I'm having.. I think it's guilt.

        I've never took the time to analyze my behaviour towards you back then. I did it last night; for some reason, it kept me awake. I blamed you for our failure.Truth is, I've never tried with you... I had you and I knew it. I thought there's nothing in this world that can turn you against me. I thought that you'll love me, regardless of my behaviour.

    I remember this one conversation we had.. a long time ago. I was mad at you ( again, I don't even know why) and you were misserable. You said I had no idea how much it hurts you to imagine me with someone else.. someone else taking me out and buying me drinks.. someone else holding my hand. You said I had no idea how much it hurt you to know I have someone else. And my reply in that moment was the biggest mistake I've ever done. My reply was probably the reason why today you don't care about me. [ ...] My reply was.. silence. I intentionally wanted you to believe I had someone else. Just to see you suffer. Just for that. Although, deep down inside, I wanted to tell you that.. quite frankly, there was no one else but you. There never was. No-one to take me out. Or hold my hand. Because despite the fights, you were the only thing I loved. and wanted. There was never anyone else. but YOU.
    For the sake of love, I'm apologising. For not telling you this when you most needed to hear it. And for secretly enjoying the torture I put you through. But don't worry, what went around, came around.

    [ ... and I hope you never read this. ]  

Ive been quite fine...really good sometimes and only sometimes....Ive missed you a lot too...i really did. You are an amazing person and you ve been really una parte importante de mi vida. Quizas por eso no nos separamos a pesar de que fuimos dos lunaticos jugando a enamorarse a kilometros de distancia, jugando a que quizas el tiempo no es tiempo y el destino se impone a los obstaculos de la vida misma. Si estas en ese, my destiny, entonces desde aqui te regalo cualquier tarde para los dos, un paseo o unas galletas. Porque eres mi esposa a pesar de que talvez nunca te pueda besar a pesar de que nunca te pueda mirar directamente a los ojos mientras te repito que yo tambien te quiero.
 
 
 
 
(de una manera u otra)
 
 
Beso enorme.
 
  Enrique

Hi there...

    I'm sorry I couldn't write you sooner, I've been EXTREMELY busy these past few months. God, so much has happened.. my life is changing 100% . I'm doing really well... really really well. Everything seems to go just how I planned it.

    I fell in love.. madly in love. With this guy who lives in Nottingham.. and I'm actually at that point in life where I'm just saying: 'fuck it, he's worth it!'. I met him when I was visiting Danny... apparently they're close friends. I'm moving to Nottingham. I told him I'm moving over just for university. But actually, I'm moving in for him. I chose to study at the same university as him just to be close to him.. god, I don't know what's going on with me, I've given this guy my full attention ever since I've met him. I've never felt this way for anyone, Matt is just... so incredibly special. Thing is, although we've become very close the past few weeks, i still can't plug up the courage to tell him how i feel.. oh well, I'll just see how it goes when we'll be together.. either way, I'm confident I haven't made a mistake.

    On a different note, I was in Portugal last week. Just hanged out with Hugo and the guys in Algarve.. i tried to call you but you were probably busy with that little bimbo of yours haha I've missed you. I've been missing you ever since you left. You take very silly decisions, you know? Let me know if you've changed your mind... I wanna see you one last time, before I move out of Romania and leave everything from my past behind. I need to say a proper goodbye to you...

    I know your birthday is a few days away, but I won't bother calling you.. I'm afraid the bimbo will pick up the phone haha i hate her, her voice annoys me greatly. So I'll just say it now:  happy birthday, lover.    


Lavinia.

Another year has passed.. Im still here

I miss you. I miss our mad moments of complete silence. Of peace.

Birthdays are just not the same without you.

The Truth

I've constantly been asked. Why do I change my facebook profile picture all the time? Why do I change my MSN display picture all the time? Why do I change my boyfriends all the time? Why do I change my email address all the time? Why do I change my mood all the time? Why do I change my clothes 5 times a day? Why do I change my make-up 5 times a day? Why do I change my blog's layout 5 times a day?
Why do I feel the  need to change my life every second of my life?

        Answer : because I'm bipolar. Stick that in your little heads.  I'm addicted to change. to diversity. I get uninterested if there isnt something constantly challenging me. Or maybe I'm just afraid people would get uninterested if I'm always the same. The same picture. The same face. The same clothes. The same typical personality. 

        I'm sorry some of you don't understand. that i dont want to be cured. that im happy being unpredictable. And I'm sorry my ex is suffering, thinking I discarded him. Thing is, if you're not capable of constantly renewing yourself, dont even bother, I'll lose interest in you. You should have known. [...] You were fine. .. You were a great boyfriend. But at some point you stopped. being a great. boyfriend. And I couldnt keep you around anymore.
It's fine. you can hate me. But just remember. i still care very much about you. and I'll always be waiting for you to accept me as your friend.

        And for those who are shocked by what they're reading here. knowing the real me,   behind these words. knowing the real me, who plays with people's minds, who manipulates and uses, who seems to have a perfect life and never goes through any drama. for those who know the real me and cant believe the words written here belong to me. understand this is my playground. here i say things that I'll never say in real life. here i cry about the things I'll never cry in real life. here i show a part of me that I'll never show in real life. this is my own world, where only I exist. where my violent nature in real life becomes sorrow, depression and tears in this parrallel universe.

 don't ask me  about this tomorrow. I'll pretend it never existed.

It's been a while since I last wrote you. Not because I forgot, but because you've been so present in my life these past few months that I didn't get miss your warmth.
I won't write painfully long sentences to tell one simple thing : I Love You. For who you are and for what you do. You give me strenght and challenge me to be a better person. You bring the

best of me.You understand and forgive. You have marked my existance and you will forever be part of me.
You are the love of my life. Thank you for everything you've shared with me, and for the wonderful years to come.

I love you, Stef. ..  I'll be right back.

Corespondenta

  " Amor , tenho de te dizer isto , tenho um sentimento por ti aqui dentro , parece um quisto que aumenta de dia para dia este sentimento tao grande , foi aumentando tanto que fez surgir preocupaçao , fui ao hospital so me deram uma informaçao , nao existe operaçao para tirar isto no coração , nunca te quero largar , nunca te quero perder por mais que tentes nunca te vou esquecer , porque para além do meu maior amor és a minhamelhor amiga , se um dia me largares ficam recordações , saudades .. Sei que somos novos mas o amor nao escolhe idades porque quando um adulto ama nao é constamente criticado , será que é por sermos independentes que o que eu sinto por ti é errado , claro que não ..

                Ouçam isto paralizem , se eu fosse casado serias a minha melhor amante mas nao precisas disso para ser o meu pensamento constante ! Se eu fosse da tua familia , seria a minha membra perferida mas nao precisas de o ser para ser a minha menina querida !
Se eu fosse apenas teu amigo , tu serias uma amiga colorida , mas tu és mais que isso és a minha menina escolhida !
Por a tua simpatia e a tua linda cara preciso de te dizer AMO - TE LAVI (L'  "

By.: 'Aquele menino(N)'

Response

            Deixa.me sonhar , só mais uma vez , pensar que vais ficar sempre ao pé de mim , faz.me acreditar , so mais esta vez que eu ainda sou tudo para ti .. Leva o ar que eu respiro , deixa a minha vida sem sentido ! Leva o meu sorriso , o meu coração , leva o meu destino , na tua mão .. E quando fores , ja sabes , deixas.me continuar com este sonho... E se o tempo não passar , é nos teus braços que eu quero ficar (L'

         Juras.te (A') para sempre ...

Eu gosto do impossível e tenho medo do provável , riu.me do ridículo e choro porque tenho vontade , mas nem sempre tenho motivo .. Tenho um sorriso confiante que as vezes não demonstra o tanto de insegurança que por d'trás dele existe ..

            Sou inconstante e talvez imprevisível .. Não gosto de rotina babe .. Eu AMO de verdade aqueles pr'a quem transmito toda a minha confiança e amizade , e me irrito de forma inexplicável quando simplesmente não acreditam nas minhas palavras quando elas sendo verdade .. Nem sempre coloco em prática aquilo a que eu julgo certo
 

 (!' São poucas as pessoas a quem me explico .. )

        Entre lágrimas e sorrisos; o querer e não querer; o tudo e nada; o que se deseja e o que nunca se desejou; o possível e o pouco provável; o que sempre sonhei e o que nunca pensei; uma pequena grande distância… Parto brevemente para uma nova Cidade; com expectativas; com algumas dúvidas e medos!  Parto… Tudo que é meu, aqui fica! Tudo o que fui [..construindo] e vivendo, aqui fica.
        Todos os que me fizeram/fazem feliz, cá ficam. Comigo vão, apenas, as memórias e as recordações. De ves em quando, cá virei, visitarvos... Sei que vou ver a minha casa, as minhas coisas, as pessoas de quem mais gosto de uma outra forma...Vou aprender mais do que nunca a dar valor. A agradecer. A viver!  Vou com a certeza de que começará uma nova etapa na minha vida. Acabei de dar um passo… Acabei de subir mais um degrau!