So much for my happy ending

“The hate inside an empty heart. How can u explain something you have never felt?.. in the words of a broken heart, its just emotion, taking you over. You’re caught up in sorrow, lost in that love song… Come home. don't you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight? nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight…”

Haha. How could have I? how could have I written such things at 16? Haha.. that poor little heart… if it only knew what was to come..





When you all of a sudden realize you can be everything you wanted to be without actually having to sacrifice yourself … or live without those things you once thought you’re addicted to… or when you have to say goodbye to an old love and you find no room for regret.. THAT’S when you feel lost and empty. Those tears that once flooded your entire being are now just memories that make you laugh of how naive you were.. at 16.



I feel tired, as if the time has gone passed me, leaving behind wounds impossible to heal. Yet, I feel free… free to be mean, selfish, ignorant, careless and cold. I feel worn out of any beautiful feeling.



Im writing you pieces of my soul for the last time. You are incapable of understanding the depth of my sorrow. As far as I see, you are incapable of re-memorizing anything that once united us… that once made you the happiest man on Earth.



It’s raining. It’s raining so heavily right now… paradoxically, this rain carries with itself wonderful memories. Two fragile bodies curled around each other in that huge white bed.. the silent dark… the sweet sound of the purling of water.. bliss. Pure bliss. [You remember, don’t you? ]



How bitter-sweet life can be…




You were everything, everything that I wanted,
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it...

SKETCH

How many times do I have to keep falling because of you? [Feelings of everlasting...] I keep drawing sketches of my life in black and green... remember? I see you in visions of green. I see pictures that conceal a past which never happened; visions of heaven and hell conjoined in a masterpiece created out of illusions and human sacrifice.

A sketch that I create blindfolded. Do you remember? My god, do you even remember? "If given the chance, id walk all the way to Romania just to be with you". How many years have pasted since then? How many promises have been broken? It doesn't matter, you're here now, finally.

Then again, I see children crying. I see us... the love of a perfect lie, the fakest of my dreams, the greatest of my nightmares.

And yet, I don't feel a thing. Precious love and perfect man, you make me see my life in sketches. May I remind you, I love you ? How long its been since I last told you that? Ah yes, last night.. before you finished. And you? Ah, yes, last night.. after you finished.

And as I look at you sleeping, I cant help wondering.. what the fuck are you doing in my bed in middle-night ? [Ah, this wicked love game. ]

Im drawing a sketch of you and me.. when we were kids
We used to hide and kiss and pretend that it all fits
You used to tell me you loved me and then blush
But then pretend its just a crush.
It made me mad.. do you remember?
But it would go away, cause your kisses were so sweet and tender.



You bitter-sweet joy.. meu dios, estou apaixonada por um pecador.. How can I ever let you leave my bed when you've always been here? You perfect sin, this wicked game.. you make me see my life in sketches. Keep the fantasy within you and relive our madness. Our love can never be this sweet, and we can never be so real.