SHE KEEPS HER SMILE ON HER FACE

" Y ella se mantiene en vuelo, y observa al mundo como en africa los niños estan delante de la agonia, venciendo la triste y terribe trampa que pone la muerte al deajrlos sin comida.

No pretendo escribir una critica, siendo yo mismo la fuente de muchas injusticias, pero mi obetivo es que te vuelvas amigo y compañero de ella, Ella quien mantiene su sonrisa.

La mantiene por aquellos q su corazon no respira ilusiones, que no buscan excusas para continuar, ella compañero es quien te de la luz, esa luz que refleja el sol y se cola por tu ventana y que no descansa hasta llegar a tu alma.

Ella victima de el humano, quien se ha robado su inocencia pero nunca su sonrisa, mantiene viva mi esperanza.

Y yo amo esa sonrisa, artifice de mil noches de armonia,otras miles de poesia y una infinidad de inspiracion de mi fantasia, ella a la q anhelo abrasar y besar algun dia y poder pintar con el color de mis lagrimas su melodia, y de exterminar con mis versos sus temores q mas q miedos son realidades que todos viven dia a dia. "

A.R.S.

WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK

I thought my last days in Portugal are going to be smooth and relaxing. I planned to end the 2 months spent here in a quiet environment, far from the parties, new faces, loud noises and strange people I've grown so accustom to lately. Haha of course it didnt happen that way.. things never happen the way I want them to.

I got to see him after a year.. it was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced. He changed so much, but regardless of our past, I couldn't stop but smiling when I saw his face again. I didn't plan on talking to him, I just stared for a second, while all my memories of him -good and bad- rewined in my mind. He approached and wrapped his arms around me, holding me even tighter than when we were together. For some reason I still couldn't say a single damn word so I just smiled again. He didn't ask me what I was doing there, or for how long i'd been around, he just asked ' how are you?'

[ .. i find no words to explain what happened next...]


Like always, I got up from his bed early in the morning.. but like never before, he noticed I was missing and got up as well. I made his coffee and my orange juice, like I always did. But like never before he lit a cigarette. I'd never seen him smoking in the past, but I remembered him telling me he used to. So I asked him if he started again. He said the time we spent apart did him harm.
We got back to bed and watched Spongebob. It was 8 am.

[...]

He just sat there, smoking his 23rd cigarette that day - i counted-. I asked him what was wrong. He looked the other way and said ' you're leaving... and I wish I could still have the time to take you to all those awesome places and give you the time of your life.. just so I can be sure you'll never forget me'. I smiled and kissed him. When we were still together, about 2 years ago, he mentioned visiting a local poet's house, later on turned into a museum, and reading all his poems dedicated to his wife. I remember him saying how all those poems reminded him of me. So I told him that's where I wanted to go. That's where he should take me.. there. to read those poems. His face lightened up. He kissed me and we rushed towards his car.

On our way there, I couldn't get my hands off him. It was something about him driving.. he was so peaceful and.. complete. He looked at me and smiled, while I kissed him all over. He had that look on his face.. that look he had on his face ever since we re-found each other. That look in his eyes as if he wanted to say ' I love you' but something inside of him told him not to. And when he fought it, I could see he was misserable.

All of a sudden he pulls over. ' Here's the thing. We'll never be together. You have your life and I have mine. And when you leave tomorrow, I'll only be left to suffer like when we first broke up. You can't just come back in my life and expect things to be okay. To you it's a game, you love to put me through this, but then you disappear and leave me broken. I won't have it anymore'

' Okay, then let's just go back home.'

And no other words were said till we got back to his apartment. He went to take a shower. I picked up my things and left a note on his kitchen table. It wrote a simple ' Goodbye' .


I spent my last moments in Portugal crawled up in my bed, thinking of sinister ways of putting an end to the pain i was feeling. I eventually fell asleep, around 3am and got up at 7 as always, awaken by the sound of our favourite song.

I left to the airport very early. I just felt I needed to get out of that country as soon as possible.
Will I go back to Portugal again? NEVER.

No te reconozco

Motto:  hola ..no te escondas...



        I've tried to forget it but I can't. It's a weird feeling I'm having.. I think it's guilt.

        I've never took the time to analyze my behaviour towards you back then. I did it last night; for some reason, it kept me awake. I blamed you for our failure.Truth is, I've never tried with you... I had you and I knew it. I thought there's nothing in this world that can turn you against me. I thought that you'll love me, regardless of my behaviour.

    I remember this one conversation we had.. a long time ago. I was mad at you ( again, I don't even know why) and you were misserable. You said I had no idea how much it hurts you to imagine me with someone else.. someone else taking me out and buying me drinks.. someone else holding my hand. You said I had no idea how much it hurt you to know I have someone else. And my reply in that moment was the biggest mistake I've ever done. My reply was probably the reason why today you don't care about me. [ ...] My reply was.. silence. I intentionally wanted you to believe I had someone else. Just to see you suffer. Just for that. Although, deep down inside, I wanted to tell you that.. quite frankly, there was no one else but you. There never was. No-one to take me out. Or hold my hand. Because despite the fights, you were the only thing I loved. and wanted. There was never anyone else. but YOU.
    For the sake of love, I'm apologising. For not telling you this when you most needed to hear it. And for secretly enjoying the torture I put you through. But don't worry, what went around, came around.

    [ ... and I hope you never read this. ]  

Ive been quite fine...really good sometimes and only sometimes....Ive missed you a lot too...i really did. You are an amazing person and you ve been really una parte importante de mi vida. Quizas por eso no nos separamos a pesar de que fuimos dos lunaticos jugando a enamorarse a kilometros de distancia, jugando a que quizas el tiempo no es tiempo y el destino se impone a los obstaculos de la vida misma. Si estas en ese, my destiny, entonces desde aqui te regalo cualquier tarde para los dos, un paseo o unas galletas. Porque eres mi esposa a pesar de que talvez nunca te pueda besar a pesar de que nunca te pueda mirar directamente a los ojos mientras te repito que yo tambien te quiero.
 
 
 
 
(de una manera u otra)
 
 
Beso enorme.
 
  Enrique

Hi there...

    I'm sorry I couldn't write you sooner, I've been EXTREMELY busy these past few months. God, so much has happened.. my life is changing 100% . I'm doing really well... really really well. Everything seems to go just how I planned it.

    I fell in love.. madly in love. With this guy who lives in Nottingham.. and I'm actually at that point in life where I'm just saying: 'fuck it, he's worth it!'. I met him when I was visiting Danny... apparently they're close friends. I'm moving to Nottingham. I told him I'm moving over just for university. But actually, I'm moving in for him. I chose to study at the same university as him just to be close to him.. god, I don't know what's going on with me, I've given this guy my full attention ever since I've met him. I've never felt this way for anyone, Matt is just... so incredibly special. Thing is, although we've become very close the past few weeks, i still can't plug up the courage to tell him how i feel.. oh well, I'll just see how it goes when we'll be together.. either way, I'm confident I haven't made a mistake.

    On a different note, I was in Portugal last week. Just hanged out with Hugo and the guys in Algarve.. i tried to call you but you were probably busy with that little bimbo of yours haha I've missed you. I've been missing you ever since you left. You take very silly decisions, you know? Let me know if you've changed your mind... I wanna see you one last time, before I move out of Romania and leave everything from my past behind. I need to say a proper goodbye to you...

    I know your birthday is a few days away, but I won't bother calling you.. I'm afraid the bimbo will pick up the phone haha i hate her, her voice annoys me greatly. So I'll just say it now:  happy birthday, lover.    


Lavinia.

Another year has passed.. Im still here

I miss you. I miss our mad moments of complete silence. Of peace.

Birthdays are just not the same without you.

The Truth

I've constantly been asked. Why do I change my facebook profile picture all the time? Why do I change my MSN display picture all the time? Why do I change my boyfriends all the time? Why do I change my email address all the time? Why do I change my mood all the time? Why do I change my clothes 5 times a day? Why do I change my make-up 5 times a day? Why do I change my blog's layout 5 times a day?
Why do I feel the  need to change my life every second of my life?

        Answer : because I'm bipolar. Stick that in your little heads.  I'm addicted to change. to diversity. I get uninterested if there isnt something constantly challenging me. Or maybe I'm just afraid people would get uninterested if I'm always the same. The same picture. The same face. The same clothes. The same typical personality. 

        I'm sorry some of you don't understand. that i dont want to be cured. that im happy being unpredictable. And I'm sorry my ex is suffering, thinking I discarded him. Thing is, if you're not capable of constantly renewing yourself, dont even bother, I'll lose interest in you. You should have known. [...] You were fine. .. You were a great boyfriend. But at some point you stopped. being a great. boyfriend. And I couldnt keep you around anymore.
It's fine. you can hate me. But just remember. i still care very much about you. and I'll always be waiting for you to accept me as your friend.

        And for those who are shocked by what they're reading here. knowing the real me,   behind these words. knowing the real me, who plays with people's minds, who manipulates and uses, who seems to have a perfect life and never goes through any drama. for those who know the real me and cant believe the words written here belong to me. understand this is my playground. here i say things that I'll never say in real life. here i cry about the things I'll never cry in real life. here i show a part of me that I'll never show in real life. this is my own world, where only I exist. where my violent nature in real life becomes sorrow, depression and tears in this parrallel universe.

 don't ask me  about this tomorrow. I'll pretend it never existed.

It's been a while since I last wrote you. Not because I forgot, but because you've been so present in my life these past few months that I didn't get miss your warmth.
I won't write painfully long sentences to tell one simple thing : I Love You. For who you are and for what you do. You give me strenght and challenge me to be a better person. You bring the

best of me.You understand and forgive. You have marked my existance and you will forever be part of me.
You are the love of my life. Thank you for everything you've shared with me, and for the wonderful years to come.

I love you, Stef. ..  I'll be right back.

Corespondenta

  " Amor , tenho de te dizer isto , tenho um sentimento por ti aqui dentro , parece um quisto que aumenta de dia para dia este sentimento tao grande , foi aumentando tanto que fez surgir preocupaçao , fui ao hospital so me deram uma informaçao , nao existe operaçao para tirar isto no coração , nunca te quero largar , nunca te quero perder por mais que tentes nunca te vou esquecer , porque para além do meu maior amor és a minhamelhor amiga , se um dia me largares ficam recordações , saudades .. Sei que somos novos mas o amor nao escolhe idades porque quando um adulto ama nao é constamente criticado , será que é por sermos independentes que o que eu sinto por ti é errado , claro que não ..

                Ouçam isto paralizem , se eu fosse casado serias a minha melhor amante mas nao precisas disso para ser o meu pensamento constante ! Se eu fosse da tua familia , seria a minha membra perferida mas nao precisas de o ser para ser a minha menina querida !
Se eu fosse apenas teu amigo , tu serias uma amiga colorida , mas tu és mais que isso és a minha menina escolhida !
Por a tua simpatia e a tua linda cara preciso de te dizer AMO - TE LAVI (L'  "

By.: 'Aquele menino(N)'

Response

            Deixa.me sonhar , só mais uma vez , pensar que vais ficar sempre ao pé de mim , faz.me acreditar , so mais esta vez que eu ainda sou tudo para ti .. Leva o ar que eu respiro , deixa a minha vida sem sentido ! Leva o meu sorriso , o meu coração , leva o meu destino , na tua mão .. E quando fores , ja sabes , deixas.me continuar com este sonho... E se o tempo não passar , é nos teus braços que eu quero ficar (L'

         Juras.te (A') para sempre ...

Eu gosto do impossível e tenho medo do provável , riu.me do ridículo e choro porque tenho vontade , mas nem sempre tenho motivo .. Tenho um sorriso confiante que as vezes não demonstra o tanto de insegurança que por d'trás dele existe ..

            Sou inconstante e talvez imprevisível .. Não gosto de rotina babe .. Eu AMO de verdade aqueles pr'a quem transmito toda a minha confiança e amizade , e me irrito de forma inexplicável quando simplesmente não acreditam nas minhas palavras quando elas sendo verdade .. Nem sempre coloco em prática aquilo a que eu julgo certo
 

 (!' São poucas as pessoas a quem me explico .. )

        Entre lágrimas e sorrisos; o querer e não querer; o tudo e nada; o que se deseja e o que nunca se desejou; o possível e o pouco provável; o que sempre sonhei e o que nunca pensei; uma pequena grande distância… Parto brevemente para uma nova Cidade; com expectativas; com algumas dúvidas e medos!  Parto… Tudo que é meu, aqui fica! Tudo o que fui [..construindo] e vivendo, aqui fica.
        Todos os que me fizeram/fazem feliz, cá ficam. Comigo vão, apenas, as memórias e as recordações. De ves em quando, cá virei, visitarvos... Sei que vou ver a minha casa, as minhas coisas, as pessoas de quem mais gosto de uma outra forma...Vou aprender mais do que nunca a dar valor. A agradecer. A viver!  Vou com a certeza de que começará uma nova etapa na minha vida. Acabei de dar um passo… Acabei de subir mais um degrau!

Just a reminder....

                    these words are written for no-one.
  Especially those ones you actually think are meant for YOU.

O tempo pode passar... [...]

Pode se passar meses, talves ate anos, mas é so ouvir teu nome qe esse amor reaparece como se nada tivesse mudado, pra qe dizer eu te amo, se tu nao estas por perto pra ouvir, pra qe te sentir vivo aqi dentro, se nem o teu calor tenho mais pra me aquecer..ás vezes pregunto.me como posso gostar de algem tao presente dentro de mim e tao distante das minhas maos...

        Às vezes a tua falta parece uma ferida qe n se cura, eu juro qe tento  esquecer.te, juro qe ando em busca de outra pessoa no teu lugar, mas de nada adianta, tu estas sempre aqi dentro do meu peito, cravado na minha alma....

        Eu qeria.te dizer tanta coisa mas por covardia calei.me, tive medo de ouvir da tua voz um nao, nao da mais,  tive medo...

        A saudade é a pior companheira, caminha lado a lado, silenciosa e qieta, quando mais precisamos de um carinho, de uma palavra amiga, nesses dias em qe a solidao aperta e nem mesmo o ceu estrelado, a lua radiante sao capazes de amenizar a dor, eu imploro ao meu coraçao pra qe consiga esqueçer.te, mas de nada adianta tu estas tatuado  no  meu corpo, estas preso no meu passado, e nas minhas esperanças para o futuro, por qe sera qe tem qe ser assim?  Foi  perdendo.te qe te encontrei aqi dentro, e agora n consigo  tirar.te da minha mente...

        Sei qe os anos conhecem as respostas, das perguntas qe os dias sofrem por n te.las, mas sei tambem qe esperar n é o bastante pra mim, n tenho o direito de culpar o destino pois ele fez a sua parte, agora so me resta roubar as lembranças do passado e esperar qe o tempo possa secar as minhas lagrimas (!)  Passo os dias fingindo qe te posso esqecer... sorriu quando na verdade qeria estar a chorar e fasso.me de forte quando n existe mais forças, n posso mudar o passado, so tenho o presente nas maos, tenho u coraçao esmagado pela saudade e tenho em mim um medo terrivel de enxergar a verdade, tenho.te cravado na minha alma e uma vontade enorme de gritar pelo teu nome, pra qem sabe, talvez  assim n me sinta tao sufocada....

        Espero qe o tempo realmente conheça as respostas e  me faça entender os motivos...e faça tmb  com qe a saudade se transforme em lembranças, e termine com esta dor qe a cada dia qe passa ainda mais me consome, ainda mais me enloqece e tira.me o sono !

        Eu precisei de te perder pra’saber o qe tinha, precisei de te fazer chorar pra’sentir as minhas lagrimas, precisei de te magoar pra’saber qe te amava, precisei de te ver partir, pra’descobrir qe te qeria aqi comigo!! Fiz td o qe eu podia fazer de errado, hoje sei qe consigo viver sem ti mas realmente n é o qe qero, n é o qe o meu  qer.....Espero qe o tempo n demore de’mais com as respostas...pois so deus sabe o quanto é dificil esperar....

... Te acuerdas? ....

You loved to hate me. And you hated you loved me...
I forgot to show you the elephant... i drew the elephant.. long time ago. I suck at painting so I simply drew it.  When you read this, remind me to show you.. the little elephant i drew.




Wednesday 07 de May de 2008

From (Aquel que se mintio a si mismo cada vez que se veia frente al computador) with Love

Y se mintio con tanta fuerza que llego a pensar que realmente, toda esa supuesta realidad, era realidad. Y que? Me borro entonces con tanto fervor que el sutil abandono vendra cual calma despues de una tormenta innecesaria. Pues no hay calma. "Hojas muertas que caen"

No tengo palabras ni la angustia se compenetra con mis pensamientos tanto como para ver a los peluches con gorras rojas sin nombre sentados a mi lado decir una vez mas "usame para enamorar a una idea tan lejana" Tan lejana que no le llego a alcanzar ni con mi propia imaginacion. Tan lejana que quizas ese es su lugar. La lejania eterna de un amor incomprendido. Tan frio como inalcanzable, tan tierno como devastador. 

Todo a traves de una ventana de plasma. 

Todo a traves de palabras sin emociones fertiles de quien no entiende al amor de distancias. De quien no entiende al amor sin palabras y de quien no siente besos sin labios a quien morder. Todo por culpa de la indecision y la duda aclamando a la multitud de sonrisas sin precedentes. Y eso es lo que duele. No habia antes y no habra despues. Segun ella. La del click con mortalidad que juega a no ser efimera. La del click resentido y bipolar. Click, Click, Te amo, Click, Click Hoy no estas, Click Click. 

A ver si guardamos nuestras imagenes en el cajon. Y a ver entonces, te digo, porque me gustaria ver, Te juro. Sin artilugios que hagan referencia a un cuenta gotas por eso..."No quiero que me des mas con cuentagotas tu amor" Segun...segun...porque a mi me cayo un oceano...y te juro....TE JURO!...me estoy ahogando si es que no me ahogue hace casi 2 minutos y estoy en el proceso de alucinar que estoy vivo llorando por seguir viviendo y arrepintiendome de convencerme y disfrazarme de valiente con 27 pastillas de morfina en mi mano derecha y el mouse en mi mano izquierda justo antes de decir que amo a la pequeña de la Crazy Kitten Smile con barbituricos en forma de corazon y saliva con olor a flores de regalo de aniversario como preambulo a lo que sera un largo sueño. 

Pero despertare, claro, de eso se trata la vida. Hoy estoy feliz. Espero que ella tambien. Esto no es un escrito de odio. Por favor, que no paresca motivado por odio. La quiero. You crazy kitten smile. You because you had me even without having me. Te Iubesc? Te Iubesc? Vamos...una vez mas...Te Iubesc? 

Yo creo que si...Click Click

[... even though she cant paint an elephant quite as good as me...]

 

Echame por la borda. Y echame toda la culpa. La culpa del cese de la lluvia y de la caida de la luna. Reconosco soy culpable. De creer en existencias vanas y de canjear amaneceres por unos segundos de esperanza. Para que me beses con los puños y para que me violes en palabras. Usame y luego desechame cual pañuelo de prisionero antes de la horca. Como se siente la prostituta al borde de la cama y como se siente el carcelero fornicando a sus reos. Para eso estoy. Porque soy culpable de amarte y eso...

Ya no me alcanzan los dedos y no me alcanza la noche. Porque te extraño y no lo sabes. Porque cuando lo sabes no te extraño. Y si supieras, la fiebre seria rosa. No tan amarga como la pena que llevo dentro. Ni tan dulce como respirarte a traves del tiempo, la distancia y el dolor.

Ya no te quiero cantar deseando tener la boca rota. Liberame de tu prision, la condena de tus labios marchitos, la pena de llevarte atada a mi memoria. Dejame correr por los pasillos a media voz. A media luna o quizas a oscuras. Pero dejame. Que entre estas paredes no me haces el amor. 

Nos hacemos del dolor de un amor incomprendido. Tan frio como inalcanzable, tan tierno como devastador. 

Nefasta la noche por vez primera. Nefasto el momento, nefasto el instante en que te ame. Me borro del tiempo y le grito al vacio que "vivir sin tus palabras es demasiada soledad". 

Dejame abandonarte acurrucado en tu pecho. Permitame donarle mis promesas, sugerencias vacuas, dama escondida en los pliegues de un cielo perdido. Perdimos las excusas, perdimos la batalla al ocaso y hoy la noche se vuelve tan pesada.

Y como te extraño. Destruyeme con balas de algodon! Cortame con las galletas que nunca prepare que hoy por ti de mis venas emanara leche, que hoy por ti de mi vida morire en tu vientre, que hoy por ti de mi llanto reclamare celestes alegrias al frio monitor. En tu nombre amada mia. Que solo susurrando tu nombre "Te Iubesc" me trago el orgullo y me desnudo sabiendo que estas palabras son el mejor salon de tu corazon.

Que sin ti volando no hay desiertos que reemplazen los inviernos que por tus ojos tiemblo. Atormentada y bañada de angustias concedeme un rincon en los glaciales de tus muslos, en tu gelida vagina, en los hielos de tu cuerpo, en la primavera de tus manos, en lo tierno y lo finito. En ti y por siempre. Concedeme, del regazo del hada violentada, un crepusculo al instante perdido. Al momento olvidado. A la eternidad de amarte. A la palabra atacada. A tu beso mordido. A tus labios marchitos, a ti - llorando - A TI.


Te regalo el infinito en un segundo

TU

Te regalo mi locura y mi llanto

TU

Te regalo el firmamento y la ansiedad del no final

TU

Te regalo el mas tierno de los dolores, el mas fino de los cortes, la mas dulce pesadilla, la mas solitaria de todas las fantasias, el mas frio de los besos, el mas largo viaje, la mas corta estadia, la casa mas vacia y un luto de verano.

TU

You because you had me even without having me.

Y como te gritare por la manana, te llorare al atardecer, retare a morfeo que nos separe a ver si esta en sus planes acabar de una vez por todas con la afliccion que me corroe. Con el tormento que me inspiras.

Y como te extrañare. Ay de mi digo sonriendo. Y como te extrañare repito.

Pero todo va a salir bien, aunque tenga que buscarte para llorar el tiempo junto con el. Aunque tenga que encontrarte, a media voz, a media luna o quizas a oscuras.




Your Ex Husband ( Y Mi Futuro Tormento )

ps. Im sorry I mistreated you

Estamos distantes e ao mesmo tempo tão perto.....

A amizade que nos une pode vencer todas as distâncias.

Ela sim é mais forte que o tempo. Ela sim poderia atravessar

a imensidão do espaço e transcender os limites da vida.

Sim... Como ela é forte, pois essa amizade nada nem NINGUEM destruirá

Que perdure enquanto nossas almas existirem...

Que nem a distância, nem o tempo, e nem mesmo

os nossos erros, terminem a nossa amizade

Nada é mais valioso do que ela

Where is that boy with a broken smile? I miss him... I miss my friend.


        Although it's been years, I can't seem to forget him. He promised me we'd meet up when we both move to England. In a few months I'm fulfilling my promise.. but he's long gone. And I don't know where. And I wish I knew. And I wish we could respect our promise.

        It's strage how deeply I can connect to people that are basically thousands of kilometres away. I guess it's about trust and commitment. Maybe it's about unconsciousness too - to be able to share so much with a person you've never met. No, forget it, its'a about trust, about mutual affection and concern.

        I miss my best friend.. I miss my confident.. I miss my support. I miss that little boy that had such a tremendous power over me. I miss how we'd laugh about his friends  and the drama with his girlfriend haha .. and how he always listened to my stories about the boy I was madly in love with.

        Where did you go huh? You said you'd be away for a while 'cause you're having  a busy school schedule. You said you'd be back in a few weeks. It's been years, Vid. YEARS.

(     Why do these stories stick with me? Why do this 17 year-old boy doesn't leave my memory? Time doesn't make it better.. for what it's worth, time only makes his image immortal in my highly unstable mind. )

        Don't worry though. I'll always carry you with me, just like a tattoo. And I don't care how long it's gonna take, but I'll make that promise happen. Cause you mean too much to me.

See you soon, Vid.

Nothing in this world can compare to you... to the madness i feel for you.

You have changed my life completely. You look after me and you understand me.. you understand the demons... but you dont mind. And I love you for it.
I love you for the patience, love and understanding.
I love you for the nights you held me tight and stroke my hair...
... for those incredible evenings at the beach and the piggy-back rides..
... for the way you let me lean my head on your shoulder when Im sad..
... for the way you wipe my tears off and kiss my forehead...
... for the incredible love-making...
... for the commitment and unconditional affection...

I love you for everything you share with me. I love you for making me part of you..  and for giving me the most important role in your life.

                                               I love you, Stefano William Kamale.
              Thank you for the most amazing Valentine's Day and unforgetable moments in the Azores.

SELF-PORTRET in a broken glass

Motto:  "You lost little soul.."
            The outcomes of the day-to-day struggle never seemed to affect me.

•  Obssessed with human figures

                  I stare at every person on the street. I love how each face tells a story and how I can capture all their emotions at a glance. I sometimes stop and analyze and sometimes just smile and keep walking.
                   And it's the simple people that truly capture me. Like this woman I see every day when I go to school. She probably is/was a prostitute.. far from having a beautiful figure and can barely write her name. When I first noticed  she was pregrant I felt disgusted. Just by looking at her  I realised the man who impregnated her was an equally pathetic excuse of a human being.  
                    That kid basically grew under my eyes. I think he's about 4 now.. But what impressed me about this woman was her determination. She was extremely poor, unemployed, lonely and helpless. Yet, she never gave up at her child. She eventually got a job in this shop and what's amazing is that the little boy always helps her out with her tasks. I see that 4 year-old carrying stuff for her so she wont have to do it and loving it... Loving his mother. That repulsive human being.. he loves her. It leaves me speechless. I spend hours just looking at them. And smilying... it leaves me speechless....   

•  Impossibility to hate    

                   Against all odds, my spirit is incapable of hating. And it's a torment because hate relieses pain. By hating someone, you are able to forget.. and ultimately forgive.
                   I sit in my bed and listen to Tupac... listen to " I Aint Mad At Cha" ..over and over again. And think of all the people that have transited my life.. who have been here, but somehow don't have a place anymore. Most of them have been horrible people but my emotional charecter is unable to stop caring for them. I think about them... all of them. And i miss every single one of them.
                   Maybe because Im able to put the broken pieces  back to where they belong... maybe that's why my heart forgives.. because, somehow, I always make her complete again.

• Excessive affection

                    How many times have I been here?
                 I love too much. I love the people I meet everyday because they teach me precious lessons. I continue loving every man that has touched my heart, and God bless, there've been so many of them.. actually, lets stop here for a minute. Men. haha Men occupy the most important part of my life. Starting with my brother and ending with my precious boyfriend. But between these two extremes, there's a lot to say. Like how Im incapable of giving up at my ex-boyfriends. I made a list. I've had 32 boyfriends so far. Thirty-fuckin-two. And each day I think about them; if they're okay, if they're happy.. if they even remember me. 
                     I met someone last week. And when I first saw him I felt I knew him from somewhere but I just didn't know where. And then it hit me.. haha my first boyfriend!! Raduuu! haha We were in kindergarden. He used to bribe me with chocolate for a kiss. hahaha Our mothers even took pictures of us fooling around... crazy women! haha
                    God, I think I spent 5 hours  talking to him. My boyfriend was calling like a maniac because we were supposed to attend this festivity together and I was running late... I didnt give a fuck haha I just kept laughing and laughing remembering those times with Radu. And that's when it hit me. How many wonderful memories I have.. of all those people that once touched my heart. How I wished I'd be able to have a coffee with them and rememorize all those silly things we used to do.
                     I know it's stupid but this is what keeps me alive.. Memories.. People... You.

• Depression and bipolarity: incapacity of maintaining a relationship

                    I love Stefano. I love him to death. I fell in love with him the second i met him in Strassbourg. But the pain within me affects everything we are.
                    My life changed 180 degrees when Alex died. Period. I couldnt sleep for weeks and when i finally could, I kept having these horrible nightmares.Everything became unbearable from the moment  the only person who truly loved me unconditionally all of a sudden decided to abandon me in this cold and empty world. Or maybe it wasnt his decision.. or maybe it was.
                    Bipolarity came as a result of the rough things I grew up seeing in the world i lived in, in contrast with my highly emotional and sensitive being. I was taught not to trust anyone, but in my heart all I ever wanted to do was help. I ended up caught between doing what I wanted to do and doing what I was told to do. And Im still caught up in it...
                     Sometimes I just wanna be alone. I like to meditate.. it gets me sad most of the times but it's my way of relieving pain. But most of the times I need to be around people. And here's where the drama starts. If im alone I get depressed and cry; so in order to keep myself happy I always have to be around other people.
                    My boyfriends always seem to mind. And I understand.. I flirt a lot, joke around with people I just met or go on trips without letting anyone know. It's annoying and frustrating, I know,  but what they dont understand it that, at the end of the day, they are the ones I think about and want to be with.
                     Stefano got upset with me last week because I went out and partied with an ex-boyfriend. [...] He's just unable to understand how much I need diversity. How much I need people. Sometimes I get up in the morning, get in the car or plane and visit some old friend... while he stays home and waits for me, without knowing where i went. I know it sucks, I know.. but it's bipolarity, I can't control it; I just feel such a strong desire to do something that Im unable to control myself.
                     Maybe thats why I've had 32 boyfriends.. because no one seems capable of dealing with such mood swings. And I understand.. but if they only knew how much I loved them.. if they only knew bipolarity can never affect the way my heart beats and how my mind refuses to erase their memory...
.
.
.
.
.
   In a broken glass. Why? Because this is not even half of the story... if only I had the words...     

As if it doesn't hurt anymore, I try to erase from my memory the pain and tears; laying here helpless trying to find him somehow, under my sheets.

It's a terrible thing to live every day as if it's your last one. Terrible thing. Terrible not to have a plan, an idea about where you're going.. and who's waiting for you, when you reach your destination.

I love it when it rains so heavily... I can wash away all my sins... all those things I did to him, all the pain I caused that little soul.. that little heart that I killed. I wish it'd known how much i loved it. And I wish I'd known in time how much it loved me back.

Seeing both of our souls lost.. although we both have amazing lives ( separately). Now the only thing that unites us is pain. And its sad how we cant be  happy with anyone else... its sad how we're only happy when we're together, although we make each other miserable.. its sad how even sex is good only with you.. and kisses taste blueberry only when I'm touching your lips.

Why? Why must my heart beat only for him?  He yells at me and calls me names trying to show he's over me; yet, there's nothing I wouldnt give to hold him one more time. I brag about my new boyfriend and call him names trying to show his words mean nothing; yet, he never left.
We made each other miserable [ever since we broke up] but our hearts beat faster only when we're together.

It's a curse. Or maybe it's a blessing... that we cant be happy with anyone else. Maybe that's why this cold rain feels so blissful.. it's washing away all my sins... all of them my love.

Just come home.




* No, this isn't meant to be for anyone.

                             Maybe for my unseen better half...*    

the little boy that changed my life

I think I met him almost three years ago. I met him randomly, in a moment of my life when I was at the beginning of the road, but already lost.

    I just got out of a thing I used to call "relationship" back then, and I thought I was feeling really depressed about it. Haha. Only later did I learn the true meaning of pain.

    He was completely caught up by me... instantly. And I loved it. To be honest, I never loved him, I just loved the way he loved me.The way he adored everything about me. The way he'd think of me day and night. The way he'd email me three times a day although we'd spend hours upon hours chatting.

    He loved me. And I loved being loved. That was the only reason things went well...
    And then it happened. Something shook  my world. He proposed. ... He had just come from a trip to Turkey, I think, and i remember him missing me terribly. I remember what he said as soon as he got home:
" Baby these 15 days in Turkey weighted more than 15 years of my life just waiting to talk to you [...] I guess what Im trying to say is... Lavinia, will you marry me? "

    That was the moment. The moment that made everything change. The little boy that was crazy about me became the man who wanted to be my child's father. [At least in my mind.. ]

    That's when I started loving him. And planning. And wishing. And hoping. Not because my feelings changed, but because I realised how serious he was. It's never a good idea to tell a woman she's the most precious thing you have, she'll get cocky. Just tell her she's special. She's special.

    I felt special. In my mind I was already picking the kids' names. Because HE WAS SERIOUS. Because he was no longer a little boy getting his first taste of true love. He was this man that wanted to plan his whole life with me. And it was something he had thought about all that time he was away.

    [I loved it. Every second of our short marriage.]

    But like everything in life, nothing's eternal. Especially not love. And when the dream is over, you don't have anything else to do but smile and move on...  or..
..
..
.....
...... or ....
maybe email that little boy again.





* Then again, nevermind. It's enough just to know that ..
   ..... The BEST things in life are FREE... *

It's like I've waited my whole life, FOR THIS ONE NIGHT

Já não estava habituada a isto, se é que algum dia me irei habituar....
Esta distancia é dura, deixa-me triste...
Sinto um vazio enorme quando estás longe...
Sinto um aperto no peito que mal me deixa respirar...
Uma sensção enorme de sufoco que não consigo controlar...
Sinto falta do teu cheiro, do teu toque, do teu beijo, dos teus olhos a olhar nos meus, da tua voz...
Sinto saudade de me fazeres a mesma pergunta umas 5 vezes...
Sinto a tua falta, sinto saudade...
Só sente saudade quem ama, quem é feliz, quem tem alguém tão especial como eu tenho do meu lado...
Fica comigo sempre, eu preciso tanto de ti amor...
Fica do meu lado toda a vida que eu prometo que farei tudo para te ver sorrir todos os dias meu amor...
Nada é igual quando tu não estás...
Nada se compara a ti, ao que eu sinto quando estou contigo...
Sorri sempre meu amor, ficas ainda mais bonito quando o fazes...
Não deixes que ninguém te tire essa força, essa vontade de viver...
Queria te dar mais força mas não consigo, sinto que até para mim por vezes não tenho força...
Somos enormes juntos e seremos ainda mais depois deste sacrificio enorme que estamos a fazer...
Esta dor é enorme, eu não posso negar...
Quero ser forte e nem sempre consigo....
Desculpa se algum modo te desiludo nesse sentido meu amor...
Mas eu sinto tanto medo que me faz perde as forças...
Fica comigo toda a vida porque eu não consigo viver sem ti meu principe...


Amo-te mais do que tudo e cada dia mais e mais...
Nunca mas nunca duvides que és e serás sempre o mais importante na minha vida...
Metade de mim é saudade e a outra metade és TU...



I love you more than ever, my everything.


é para você
<>

The right question is Why Do I Keep Doing This?

(18:39) A***r:            So what r ur plans?

(18:39) Lavinia S.:        haha nuttin. I have only one week of holiday

(18:40) A***r:            One week is enough to travel at least half the world…

(18:40) Lavinia S.:        hahaha dont start again :P

(18:41) A***r:            hehe, im not starting anything

(18:41) A***r:            but i guess u may be staying there then for the week

(18:42) Lavinia S.:        Of course.

(18:42) A***r:            This picture of urs is beautiful

(18:43) Lavinia S.:        haha no, its random. It’s taken with my webcam.. and totally unedited haha

(18:44) A***r:            You look cute

(18:45) Lavinia S.:        I look random

(18:45) A***r:            What do u mean by random ?

(18:47) Lavinia S.:        Just.. there’s nothing special about me haha i can look better than that :P

(18:47) A***r:            hehe that makes it much better, cuz this pic i find really cute

(18:48) A***r:            but i real like the one on ur fb profile in black, thats hot

(18:49) Lavinia S.:        hahaha OMG will u people knock it off ??!

(18:49) Lavinia S.:        u horny bastards :P

(18:49) AmxXr:            hahahaha why do u carry the ability to make us that ?

(18:51) Lavinia S.:        haha u dont need a special ability to bring guys "there":P hahaha

(18:51) A***r:            But that one is freakin hot! Call me horny or whatever

(18:51) Lavinia S.:        horny!!

(18:51) A***r:            hehe ok ;)

 (18:53) Lavinia S.:       Get another hobby :P

(18:53) A***r:            And what do u presume my hobby is now ?

(18:53) Lavinia S.:        Admiring my pics :P hahaha

(18:54) A***r:            Hm, thats one of my hobbies now, dont make me change it

(18:55) Lavinia S.:        hahaha please do :P

(18:55) A***r:            No i wont, thats something u cant take away from me hehe

(18:55) A***r:            I love what i do :P hehe

(18:56) Lavinia S.:        hahaha stop it! :P  i feel ... violated lol

(18:56) A***r:            Ok, i wont let u know next time, but i wont stop :P

(18:57) Lavinia S.:        haha fine.. ill do the same wit ur pics then

(18:58) Lavinia S.:        And analyze each and every part of u :P

(18:58) A***r:            Can u please ? hehe im curious

(18:58) Lavinia S.:        hahaha  no. im not as perverted as u  are :P

(18:58) A***r:            Maybe i need to take the pervert out of u :P

(18:59) Lavinia S.:        hahaha i dont think u can do that :P

(19:00) A***r:            But i want to find a way:P

(19:02) Lavinia S.:        hahaha stop :P

(19:02) A***r:            ok, i stop seniorita, as per ur request

 (19:05) A***r:           by the way … you look hot in that pic in black

(19:06) Lavinia S.:        lol I SAID STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

(19:06) A***r:     hehe, ok ok … why do u shout, ive stopped hehe

(19:06) Lavinia S.:        hahaha it doesnt seem so :P

(19:07) A***r:    u look, hot hot hot hot…in ur pic…in black
sorry im just in the mood hehe

(19:07) Lavinia S.:        haha u'r starting to get addicted to me :P

(19:07) A***r:     i already am

(19:10) Lavinia S.:        thats bad :P

(19:10) A***r:     I dont care

(19:12) Lavinia S.:        haha u should…ur happiness is at stake

(19:12) A***r:     what do u say my happiness is in getting addicted to u

hehe

(19:15) Lavinia S.:        dont act like u didnt get the point

(19:17) A***r:     im not acting ..i just said that im happy in being addicted to u

(19:18) Lavinia S.:        for how long ?

(19:18) A***r:     i dont know

(19:19) Lavinia S.:        dont u think ur gonna suffer?

(19:20) A***r:     I dont want to suffer, and i dont think i will

(19:20) Lavinia S.:        we wont meet. i honestly hope u understand that

(19:21) A***r:         i do. but my heart doesnt

(19:21) A***r:      :) as i say, i am addicted, hehe

(19:22) Lavinia S.:        i dont kno how this could be amusing to u

(19:22) A***r:     its not amusing, it's pure serious

(19:22) Lavinia S.:        Because when u'r really gonna understand we will never meet, ur gonna blame it on me.

(19:23) A***r:     First i dont see a reason why we r not meeting. Second, i wont blame it on u, and will have to take it as this was something that was meant to be

(19:24) Lavinia S.:        Fine. im just saying 

(19:26) A***r:     Some part of me will blame it on u though, cuz i want this moment and i will feel  much worse then u when its over but i still want to do it… not for anything else, but jus for the sake of it

(19:28) Lavinia S.:        Okay. fine. if thats wat u want, fine. if we have the time, we'll meet up this summer. But dont u ever, under any circumstances, expect anything out of it

(19:29) A***r:     I dont want u to do me any favours

(19:29) Lavinia S.:        Then let it go

(19:29) A***r:     Why? Is it because i want it? Is it only because of that ?

(19:30) Lavinia S.:        What do u mean?

(19:31) A***r:     I want us to meet, but u want to force urself out of it. Just say u dont like meeting some stupid guy off here without getting through so much fuss

(19:33) Lavinia S.:        I dont want to meet u becuz im not the way u think i am and i just dont wanna see u kicking urself over and over again becuz u took the wrong decision.

I dont wanna meet u becuz i dont even wanna let u see the way i really am .

Thats why.

Now get off my back :P

 (19:34) A***r:            Thats what i wanna find out because im interested. And i dont care about anything else, i want to see the moment whatever its outcome is, i will say that i didnt make the wrong decision

(19:36) A***r:     I always decide with feeling, and m feelings for u are right

(19:36) Lavinia S.:        I dont want to talk about it and u better stop thinking about it as well

(19:41) A***r: I'll wait till the summer

(19:42) Lavinia S.:        Why wont u understand?

(19:42) A***r:     I understand, i really do. but...im sorry, i dont want to be cheeky or sound smart but… my heart doesnt

(19:45) Lavinia S.:        ur just hurting urself then

(19:46) A***r:     hm ok. maybe i am and will

(19:46) Lavinia S.:        It wont happen.

(19:47) A***r:     the electricity here is ver bad, i wont stay online after 10 mins

(19:47) Lavinia S.:        Thats fine we'll wrap things up now.

(19:47) A***r: … but thanks for ensuring me once again, i will still wait

(19:48) Lavinia S.:        Fine then. do as u wish. But dont blame it on me afterwards

(19:50) A***r:     You only dont want to take the blame

(19:50) A***r:     I love the way u r and am damn into u, and all that matters to u is repealing for all the excuses in the world

(19:51) Lavinia S.:        Ive been thru it. and it left the most bitter taste. i dont wanna go thru it again. and i dont wanna put u thru the drama either. Just move on.

(19:53) A***r:     I dont want to, ok, im not a coward to run away from any kind of a disaster that could well happen

(19:53) A***r:     i want u to be the same, if u had the taste, u must know

(19:54) Lavinia S.:        Just move on A***r. Thats the lesson i learned. and this is wat im passing to u . Move on.

(19:55) A***r:     Im not, im waiting and i dont care about any pain

(19:55) A***r:     Now i hope u understand one thing too about how much i am really addicted to u

 

** after a long time, that wasn’t really that long, but long enough to think really hard **

 

(19:59) Lavinia S.:        Im afraid i have nothing else to say.       Just that if blocking u on msn is the only way u will understand u have to forget me, then so be it.

(20:00) A***r:        r u seriously going to block me? As if im a stalker or someone who just wants something out of someone?  You probably thought wrong of me right from the start

(20:01) Lavinia S.:        No. As in someone i  really dont want to hurt.

(20:03) A***r:     Then do so. Why do u wait?  You dont have any interest, any anything whatsoever, im irritating to u and now also a pervert. Kick me out of ur FB and block me here, if u think this is going to work

 

(20:04) A***r has been blocked

Extraño el niño de la "crazy kitten smile"

Solo esto. Te Extraño. 

Te Extraño tanto, Enrique. Tengo alguien mas ahora conmigo pero  Te Extraño, pequeña criatura perdida.
 YOU. Because you had me even without having me... ( remember? )




Sent: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 12:55:10 AM

( No more...) ( Y si te lo dije en algun momento) ( Y si lo grite o no lo dije muy fuerte ) ( Y ) ( Sobretodo ) ( Si no lo sentiste...)
 
 
                                         TE AMO

 
Porque lo hice desde siempre
Y desde siempre por ti...porque no se como nos conocimos y estoy seguro que tu tampoco sabes como nos conocimos...
 
Nose el porque de nuestro encuentro...y no me importa
 
Solo se que..
                       
                                       TE IUBESC 
   
 
 
MIENTRAS TENGA TU NOMBRE EN MI MEMORIA
 
 
 
MIENTRAS SEA HOY
 
 

MIENTRAS SEAS SIEMPRE
 
 
 
POR SIEMPRE

Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2008 6:36:50 AM

Laus Deo,
                  Pues en materia, eres increible si las palabras que hoy nacen fulminan la existencia de un mal que yo llamo no amistad y no tengo palabras hoy. Y no tengo intencion mas que la que siempre respira mientras hablo y soy contigo, la de amarte por lo menos a travez de vibraciones. Y no tengo mas que solo agradecerte. No ha sido un buen dia para hablar de amigos. Sin embargo, tu amistad abrazada del amor que siento por ti ha hecho de ese camino el recorrido de una fantasia a medias. Completa cuando llegue a besarte sin tener que escribirte con palabras lo mucho que te quiero. Solo gracias pequeña. Solo gracias y
 
Te amo.
   
 
 
 
( mucho mas que tu y muchisimo mas de lo que crees..)





Sent: Friday, January 11, 2008 11:23:04 PM

Tu y solo tu...




Sent: Tuesday, January 29, 2008 3:27:22 AM

Laus Deo,
             Pequeńa nińa de la crazy kitten smile. He estado muy muy ocupado porque no solo he estado trabajando, sino tambien, terminando con un proyecto que empeze hace mucho, la creacion y ejecucion de una sinfonia.  La sinfonia se divide en movimientos y muchos de ellos se inspiran en ti, en tu idea y de esa forma como tus manos se mueven y cogen tu pelo cuando ries nerviosa. Me encantas. Desde siempre. Por siempre. Aunque estas sean solo unas lineas mas a los infinitos "Te quiero" que podria decirte si por alguna unica vez pasemos juntos lo que dure la eternidad.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
YO AUN
 
 
 
                                                                                                  AQUI
 
 
 
                      
                             POR TI
 
 
 

TE AMO//