Nothing in this world can compare to you... to the madness i feel for you.
You have changed my life completely. You look after me and you understand me.. you understand the demons... but you dont mind. And I love you for it.
I love you for the patience, love and understanding.
I love you for the nights you held me tight and stroke my hair...
... for those incredible evenings at the beach and the piggy-back rides..
... for the way you let me lean my head on your shoulder when Im sad..
... for the way you wipe my tears off and kiss my forehead...
... for the incredible love-making...
... for the commitment and unconditional affection...
I love you for everything you share with me. I love you for making me part of you.. and for giving me the most important role in your life.
I love you, Stefano William Kamale.
Thank you for the most amazing Valentine's Day and unforgetable moments in the Azores.
luni, 16 februarie 2009
duminică, 8 februarie 2009
SELF-PORTRET in a broken glass
Motto: "You lost little soul.."
The outcomes of the day-to-day struggle never seemed to affect me.
And it's the simple people that truly capture me. Like this woman I see every day when I go to school. She probably is/was a prostitute.. far from having a beautiful figure and can barely write her name. When I first noticed she was pregrant I felt disgusted. Just by looking at her I realised the man who impregnated her was an equally pathetic excuse of a human being.
That kid basically grew under my eyes. I think he's about 4 now.. But what impressed me about this woman was her determination. She was extremely poor, unemployed, lonely and helpless. Yet, she never gave up at her child. She eventually got a job in this shop and what's amazing is that the little boy always helps her out with her tasks. I see that 4 year-old carrying stuff for her so she wont have to do it and loving it... Loving his mother. That repulsive human being.. he loves her. It leaves me speechless. I spend hours just looking at them. And smilying... it leaves me speechless....
I sit in my bed and listen to Tupac... listen to " I Aint Mad At Cha" ..over and over again. And think of all the people that have transited my life.. who have been here, but somehow don't have a place anymore. Most of them have been horrible people but my emotional charecter is unable to stop caring for them. I think about them... all of them. And i miss every single one of them.
Maybe because Im able to put the broken pieces back to where they belong... maybe that's why my heart forgives.. because, somehow, I always make her complete again.
I love too much. I love the people I meet everyday because they teach me precious lessons. I continue loving every man that has touched my heart, and God bless, there've been so many of them.. actually, lets stop here for a minute. Men. haha Men occupy the most important part of my life. Starting with my brother and ending with my precious boyfriend. But between these two extremes, there's a lot to say. Like how Im incapable of giving up at my ex-boyfriends. I made a list. I've had 32 boyfriends so far. Thirty-fuckin-two. And each day I think about them; if they're okay, if they're happy.. if they even remember me.
I met someone last week. And when I first saw him I felt I knew him from somewhere but I just didn't know where. And then it hit me.. haha my first boyfriend!! Raduuu! haha We were in kindergarden. He used to bribe me with chocolate for a kiss. hahaha Our mothers even took pictures of us fooling around... crazy women! haha
God, I think I spent 5 hours talking to him. My boyfriend was calling like a maniac because we were supposed to attend this festivity together and I was running late... I didnt give a fuck haha I just kept laughing and laughing remembering those times with Radu. And that's when it hit me. How many wonderful memories I have.. of all those people that once touched my heart. How I wished I'd be able to have a coffee with them and rememorize all those silly things we used to do.
I know it's stupid but this is what keeps me alive.. Memories.. People... You.
My life changed 180 degrees when Alex died. Period. I couldnt sleep for weeks and when i finally could, I kept having these horrible nightmares.Everything became unbearable from the moment the only person who truly loved me unconditionally all of a sudden decided to abandon me in this cold and empty world. Or maybe it wasnt his decision.. or maybe it was.
Bipolarity came as a result of the rough things I grew up seeing in the world i lived in, in contrast with my highly emotional and sensitive being. I was taught not to trust anyone, but in my heart all I ever wanted to do was help. I ended up caught between doing what I wanted to do and doing what I was told to do. And Im still caught up in it...
Sometimes I just wanna be alone. I like to meditate.. it gets me sad most of the times but it's my way of relieving pain. But most of the times I need to be around people. And here's where the drama starts. If im alone I get depressed and cry; so in order to keep myself happy I always have to be around other people.
My boyfriends always seem to mind. And I understand.. I flirt a lot, joke around with people I just met or go on trips without letting anyone know. It's annoying and frustrating, I know, but what they dont understand it that, at the end of the day, they are the ones I think about and want to be with.
Stefano got upset with me last week because I went out and partied with an ex-boyfriend. [...] He's just unable to understand how much I need diversity. How much I need people. Sometimes I get up in the morning, get in the car or plane and visit some old friend... while he stays home and waits for me, without knowing where i went. I know it sucks, I know.. but it's bipolarity, I can't control it; I just feel such a strong desire to do something that Im unable to control myself.
Maybe thats why I've had 32 boyfriends.. because no one seems capable of dealing with such mood swings. And I understand.. but if they only knew how much I loved them.. if they only knew bipolarity can never affect the way my heart beats and how my mind refuses to erase their memory...
.
.
.
.
.
In a broken glass. Why? Because this is not even half of the story... if only I had the words...
The outcomes of the day-to-day struggle never seemed to affect me.
- Obssessed with human figures
And it's the simple people that truly capture me. Like this woman I see every day when I go to school. She probably is/was a prostitute.. far from having a beautiful figure and can barely write her name. When I first noticed she was pregrant I felt disgusted. Just by looking at her I realised the man who impregnated her was an equally pathetic excuse of a human being.
That kid basically grew under my eyes. I think he's about 4 now.. But what impressed me about this woman was her determination. She was extremely poor, unemployed, lonely and helpless. Yet, she never gave up at her child. She eventually got a job in this shop and what's amazing is that the little boy always helps her out with her tasks. I see that 4 year-old carrying stuff for her so she wont have to do it and loving it... Loving his mother. That repulsive human being.. he loves her. It leaves me speechless. I spend hours just looking at them. And smilying... it leaves me speechless....
- Impossibility to hate
I sit in my bed and listen to Tupac... listen to " I Aint Mad At Cha" ..over and over again. And think of all the people that have transited my life.. who have been here, but somehow don't have a place anymore. Most of them have been horrible people but my emotional charecter is unable to stop caring for them. I think about them... all of them. And i miss every single one of them.
Maybe because Im able to put the broken pieces back to where they belong... maybe that's why my heart forgives.. because, somehow, I always make her complete again.
- Excessive affection
I love too much. I love the people I meet everyday because they teach me precious lessons. I continue loving every man that has touched my heart, and God bless, there've been so many of them.. actually, lets stop here for a minute. Men. haha Men occupy the most important part of my life. Starting with my brother and ending with my precious boyfriend. But between these two extremes, there's a lot to say. Like how Im incapable of giving up at my ex-boyfriends. I made a list. I've had 32 boyfriends so far. Thirty-fuckin-two. And each day I think about them; if they're okay, if they're happy.. if they even remember me.
I met someone last week. And when I first saw him I felt I knew him from somewhere but I just didn't know where. And then it hit me.. haha my first boyfriend!! Raduuu! haha We were in kindergarden. He used to bribe me with chocolate for a kiss. hahaha Our mothers even took pictures of us fooling around... crazy women! haha
God, I think I spent 5 hours talking to him. My boyfriend was calling like a maniac because we were supposed to attend this festivity together and I was running late... I didnt give a fuck haha I just kept laughing and laughing remembering those times with Radu. And that's when it hit me. How many wonderful memories I have.. of all those people that once touched my heart. How I wished I'd be able to have a coffee with them and rememorize all those silly things we used to do.
I know it's stupid but this is what keeps me alive.. Memories.. People... You.
- Depression and bipolarity: incapacity of maintaining a relationship
My life changed 180 degrees when Alex died. Period. I couldnt sleep for weeks and when i finally could, I kept having these horrible nightmares.Everything became unbearable from the moment the only person who truly loved me unconditionally all of a sudden decided to abandon me in this cold and empty world. Or maybe it wasnt his decision.. or maybe it was.
Bipolarity came as a result of the rough things I grew up seeing in the world i lived in, in contrast with my highly emotional and sensitive being. I was taught not to trust anyone, but in my heart all I ever wanted to do was help. I ended up caught between doing what I wanted to do and doing what I was told to do. And Im still caught up in it...
Sometimes I just wanna be alone. I like to meditate.. it gets me sad most of the times but it's my way of relieving pain. But most of the times I need to be around people. And here's where the drama starts. If im alone I get depressed and cry; so in order to keep myself happy I always have to be around other people.
My boyfriends always seem to mind. And I understand.. I flirt a lot, joke around with people I just met or go on trips without letting anyone know. It's annoying and frustrating, I know, but what they dont understand it that, at the end of the day, they are the ones I think about and want to be with.
Stefano got upset with me last week because I went out and partied with an ex-boyfriend. [...] He's just unable to understand how much I need diversity. How much I need people. Sometimes I get up in the morning, get in the car or plane and visit some old friend... while he stays home and waits for me, without knowing where i went. I know it sucks, I know.. but it's bipolarity, I can't control it; I just feel such a strong desire to do something that Im unable to control myself.
Maybe thats why I've had 32 boyfriends.. because no one seems capable of dealing with such mood swings. And I understand.. but if they only knew how much I loved them.. if they only knew bipolarity can never affect the way my heart beats and how my mind refuses to erase their memory...
.
.
.
.
.
In a broken glass. Why? Because this is not even half of the story... if only I had the words...
marți, 3 februarie 2009
As if it doesn't hurt anymore, I try to erase from my memory the pain and tears; laying here helpless trying to find him somehow, under my sheets.
It's a terrible thing to live every day as if it's your last one. Terrible thing. Terrible not to have a plan, an idea about where you're going.. and who's waiting for you, when you reach your destination.
I love it when it rains so heavily... I can wash away all my sins... all those things I did to him, all the pain I caused that little soul.. that little heart that I killed. I wish it'd known how much i loved it. And I wish I'd known in time how much it loved me back.
Seeing both of our souls lost.. although we both have amazing lives ( separately). Now the only thing that unites us is pain. And its sad how we cant be happy with anyone else... its sad how we're only happy when we're together, although we make each other miserable.. its sad how even sex is good only with you.. and kisses taste blueberry only when I'm touching your lips.
Why? Why must my heart beat only for him? He yells at me and calls me names trying to show he's over me; yet, there's nothing I wouldnt give to hold him one more time. I brag about my new boyfriend and call him names trying to show his words mean nothing; yet, he never left.
We made each other miserable [ever since we broke up] but our hearts beat faster only when we're together.
It's a curse. Or maybe it's a blessing... that we cant be happy with anyone else. Maybe that's why this cold rain feels so blissful.. it's washing away all my sins... all of them my love.
Just come home.
* No, this isn't meant to be for anyone.
It's a terrible thing to live every day as if it's your last one. Terrible thing. Terrible not to have a plan, an idea about where you're going.. and who's waiting for you, when you reach your destination.
I love it when it rains so heavily... I can wash away all my sins... all those things I did to him, all the pain I caused that little soul.. that little heart that I killed. I wish it'd known how much i loved it. And I wish I'd known in time how much it loved me back.
Seeing both of our souls lost.. although we both have amazing lives ( separately). Now the only thing that unites us is pain. And its sad how we cant be happy with anyone else... its sad how we're only happy when we're together, although we make each other miserable.. its sad how even sex is good only with you.. and kisses taste blueberry only when I'm touching your lips.
Why? Why must my heart beat only for him? He yells at me and calls me names trying to show he's over me; yet, there's nothing I wouldnt give to hold him one more time. I brag about my new boyfriend and call him names trying to show his words mean nothing; yet, he never left.
We made each other miserable [ever since we broke up] but our hearts beat faster only when we're together.
It's a curse. Or maybe it's a blessing... that we cant be happy with anyone else. Maybe that's why this cold rain feels so blissful.. it's washing away all my sins... all of them my love.
Just come home.
* No, this isn't meant to be for anyone.
Maybe for my unseen better half...*
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