The outcomes of the day-to-day struggle never seemed to affect me.
- Obssessed with human figures
And it's the simple people that truly capture me. Like this woman I see every day when I go to school. She probably is/was a prostitute.. far from having a beautiful figure and can barely write her name. When I first noticed she was pregrant I felt disgusted. Just by looking at her I realised the man who impregnated her was an equally pathetic excuse of a human being.
That kid basically grew under my eyes. I think he's about 4 now.. But what impressed me about this woman was her determination. She was extremely poor, unemployed, lonely and helpless. Yet, she never gave up at her child. She eventually got a job in this shop and what's amazing is that the little boy always helps her out with her tasks. I see that 4 year-old carrying stuff for her so she wont have to do it and loving it... Loving his mother. That repulsive human being.. he loves her. It leaves me speechless. I spend hours just looking at them. And smilying... it leaves me speechless....
- Impossibility to hate
I sit in my bed and listen to Tupac... listen to " I Aint Mad At Cha" ..over and over again. And think of all the people that have transited my life.. who have been here, but somehow don't have a place anymore. Most of them have been horrible people but my emotional charecter is unable to stop caring for them. I think about them... all of them. And i miss every single one of them.
Maybe because Im able to put the broken pieces back to where they belong... maybe that's why my heart forgives.. because, somehow, I always make her complete again.
- Excessive affection
I love too much. I love the people I meet everyday because they teach me precious lessons. I continue loving every man that has touched my heart, and God bless, there've been so many of them.. actually, lets stop here for a minute. Men. haha Men occupy the most important part of my life. Starting with my brother and ending with my precious boyfriend. But between these two extremes, there's a lot to say. Like how Im incapable of giving up at my ex-boyfriends. I made a list. I've had 32 boyfriends so far. Thirty-fuckin-two. And each day I think about them; if they're okay, if they're happy.. if they even remember me.
I met someone last week. And when I first saw him I felt I knew him from somewhere but I just didn't know where. And then it hit me.. haha my first boyfriend!! Raduuu! haha We were in kindergarden. He used to bribe me with chocolate for a kiss. hahaha Our mothers even took pictures of us fooling around... crazy women! haha
God, I think I spent 5 hours talking to him. My boyfriend was calling like a maniac because we were supposed to attend this festivity together and I was running late... I didnt give a fuck haha I just kept laughing and laughing remembering those times with Radu. And that's when it hit me. How many wonderful memories I have.. of all those people that once touched my heart. How I wished I'd be able to have a coffee with them and rememorize all those silly things we used to do.
I know it's stupid but this is what keeps me alive.. Memories.. People... You.
- Depression and bipolarity: incapacity of maintaining a relationship
My life changed 180 degrees when Alex died. Period. I couldnt sleep for weeks and when i finally could, I kept having these horrible nightmares.Everything became unbearable from the moment the only person who truly loved me unconditionally all of a sudden decided to abandon me in this cold and empty world. Or maybe it wasnt his decision.. or maybe it was.
Bipolarity came as a result of the rough things I grew up seeing in the world i lived in, in contrast with my highly emotional and sensitive being. I was taught not to trust anyone, but in my heart all I ever wanted to do was help. I ended up caught between doing what I wanted to do and doing what I was told to do. And Im still caught up in it...
Sometimes I just wanna be alone. I like to meditate.. it gets me sad most of the times but it's my way of relieving pain. But most of the times I need to be around people. And here's where the drama starts. If im alone I get depressed and cry; so in order to keep myself happy I always have to be around other people.
My boyfriends always seem to mind. And I understand.. I flirt a lot, joke around with people I just met or go on trips without letting anyone know. It's annoying and frustrating, I know, but what they dont understand it that, at the end of the day, they are the ones I think about and want to be with.
Stefano got upset with me last week because I went out and partied with an ex-boyfriend. [...] He's just unable to understand how much I need diversity. How much I need people. Sometimes I get up in the morning, get in the car or plane and visit some old friend... while he stays home and waits for me, without knowing where i went. I know it sucks, I know.. but it's bipolarity, I can't control it; I just feel such a strong desire to do something that Im unable to control myself.
Maybe thats why I've had 32 boyfriends.. because no one seems capable of dealing with such mood swings. And I understand.. but if they only knew how much I loved them.. if they only knew bipolarity can never affect the way my heart beats and how my mind refuses to erase their memory...
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In a broken glass. Why? Because this is not even half of the story... if only I had the words...
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