WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK

I thought my last days in Portugal are going to be smooth and relaxing. I planned to end the 2 months spent here in a quiet environment, far from the parties, new faces, loud noises and strange people I've grown so accustom to lately. Haha of course it didnt happen that way.. things never happen the way I want them to.

I got to see him after a year.. it was the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced. He changed so much, but regardless of our past, I couldn't stop but smiling when I saw his face again. I didn't plan on talking to him, I just stared for a second, while all my memories of him -good and bad- rewined in my mind. He approached and wrapped his arms around me, holding me even tighter than when we were together. For some reason I still couldn't say a single damn word so I just smiled again. He didn't ask me what I was doing there, or for how long i'd been around, he just asked ' how are you?'

[ .. i find no words to explain what happened next...]


Like always, I got up from his bed early in the morning.. but like never before, he noticed I was missing and got up as well. I made his coffee and my orange juice, like I always did. But like never before he lit a cigarette. I'd never seen him smoking in the past, but I remembered him telling me he used to. So I asked him if he started again. He said the time we spent apart did him harm.
We got back to bed and watched Spongebob. It was 8 am.

[...]

He just sat there, smoking his 23rd cigarette that day - i counted-. I asked him what was wrong. He looked the other way and said ' you're leaving... and I wish I could still have the time to take you to all those awesome places and give you the time of your life.. just so I can be sure you'll never forget me'. I smiled and kissed him. When we were still together, about 2 years ago, he mentioned visiting a local poet's house, later on turned into a museum, and reading all his poems dedicated to his wife. I remember him saying how all those poems reminded him of me. So I told him that's where I wanted to go. That's where he should take me.. there. to read those poems. His face lightened up. He kissed me and we rushed towards his car.

On our way there, I couldn't get my hands off him. It was something about him driving.. he was so peaceful and.. complete. He looked at me and smiled, while I kissed him all over. He had that look on his face.. that look he had on his face ever since we re-found each other. That look in his eyes as if he wanted to say ' I love you' but something inside of him told him not to. And when he fought it, I could see he was misserable.

All of a sudden he pulls over. ' Here's the thing. We'll never be together. You have your life and I have mine. And when you leave tomorrow, I'll only be left to suffer like when we first broke up. You can't just come back in my life and expect things to be okay. To you it's a game, you love to put me through this, but then you disappear and leave me broken. I won't have it anymore'

' Okay, then let's just go back home.'

And no other words were said till we got back to his apartment. He went to take a shower. I picked up my things and left a note on his kitchen table. It wrote a simple ' Goodbye' .


I spent my last moments in Portugal crawled up in my bed, thinking of sinister ways of putting an end to the pain i was feeling. I eventually fell asleep, around 3am and got up at 7 as always, awaken by the sound of our favourite song.

I left to the airport very early. I just felt I needed to get out of that country as soon as possible.
Will I go back to Portugal again? NEVER.